


Failure

by myidiotclintbarton



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Disassociation, Gen, Infinity War Compliant, Pain for Tony Stark, sad Irondad and Spiderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-09 01:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15256071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myidiotclintbarton/pseuds/myidiotclintbarton
Summary: An awful flowing train of thoughts assaults Tony’s mind after the snap. After he had let Thanos win. His whole world had fallen to pieces. Did Tony deserve this? The kid certainly hadn’t. Why did he have to be the one to go...





	Failure

_‘This can't be happening’ repeated like a mantra in his head. Tony can feel the dust on his hands as he trembles, unable to comprehend what he had lost. How he had failed. He looks down to the dust that stains his hands. Dust that was once Peter. The thought makes Tony want to hurl. He could be breathing in his teammates. He feels bile rise up his throat and clutches his hands together. He waits for a death that does not come. He wishes to have been taken by the clutches of death along with them, along with the kid, then maybe his soul wouldn’t be in so much pain. He collapses, refusing to process what had just happened. What he had let happen._

Was this some sort of fucked up punishment for all the mistakes he had made? Why did it have to take Peter out of all people?  
………….

The kid. No. His kid had died today. His heroic, brave, gifted kid who had stopped at nothing to try and help save the universe. Tony was still inside the vessel hurtling through vast expanses of space piloted by a blue woman who only spoke when she deemed necessary. He couldn’t find it in himself to be fascinated with the feat of alien engineering nor the sleek yet loud design of the ship itself. He couldn’t be his normal performance of a human being self. He had been hundreds of thousands of light years from his home planet once before and he had narrowly escaped the first time. But while the familiarity of earth should in concept help him feel grounded upon arrival it feels like he is still lost in the cosmos because he had fail and lost. Outside the realm of possibilities was him returning to any sense of normalcy after that loss. He would be bombarded with questions upon arrival and couldn’t focus on any single one enough to answer. He was lost. All energy even desperation had evaporated from his form leaving a hollow broken man. So he did what he did best. Close himself and wallow in his pain. A pain he couldn’t stand but still was forced to bare and the prison of his failures kept him in a living nightmare throughout the most of the trip.

The scene had replayed in his messed up head a countless number of times. Each one more hopeless than the next. There was no best way to approach the truth but sit in misery and try desperately to drown out Peter’s muffled pleads and begs repeating in his mind even with liquor in his system. And it still hadn’t worked. Was this his punishment. To have his greatest failure be shoved in his face in his head ever moment as his pain and grief manifested in hallucinations of the kid too good to be associated with a fuck up like Tony Stark. Like the kid wouldn’t be angry that Tony had let him die like that in an unfamiliar world. The worst part is Peter wouldn’t be angry and he hadn’t been in the end. He had only apologize, maybe he thought he had not been enough that he had let Tony down. Maybe he felt he needed to apologize to Tony as if he had ever been a burden to the man who thought fondly of the boy. A child who was the reason Tony woke in the morning trying to be a better person. Because Peter had believed in him. Had looked up to him. Tony had been the kid’s hero, god knows why he chose to look up to someone as flawed as him.

The kid was too good and forgiving to ever even think that way. Just another reason he was far better than Tony. But he selfishly wanted to feel better about himself and make play that he was bettering the kids life by getting involved with his superhero shenanigans. So why was he left to endure a world without the boy. His heart still beat as the boys was dust. It wasn’t fair. The kid was better than he’d ever be. Mentoring him had been selfish and yet it had meant so much to both of them. With Peter gone, there was a hole inside of him he now could never begin to fill. 

He had realized too late that Peter was the son he had wanted all along. One that had made his life perfect. One Pepper would have loved too and, oh god, if Pepper was gone too Tony may not be able to go on. Pepper had delighted him in listening to his rambles about his dreams but corrected his dreams with their reality. A painfully unforgiving reality. A reality where he had let his kid die in his arms. The boy he had promised to keep safe. He had to tell May, if May was even still alive.

He felt so numb that he couldn’t even feel the stab wound in his torso. The one delt by a mad titan that had succeeded, no thanks to Tony. No, all he felt was the ache in his chest. The grief and guilt that piles onto him more and more until he cannot help but hate himself more than he ever had before.

He clenched his fists and dug his hands into of his face. Tony’s damaged and aging heart couldn’t take it. He sunk into himself ashamed and grief ridden. He could never be redeemed. He had let the one person he was suppose to protect at all costs, the person May had made him promise to watch over, slip through the cracks and now the whole universe was paying for his mistakes. He had clung to the boy. Peter had been so scared, trembling in his arms, and yet Tony could do nothing but try to reassure him before the rapture swept him away for good. It made Tony sick how ineffectual and futile he had been. The outcome was one he had never given the chance to garner as it would be admitting that it could indeed happen. And it had and it was all Tony’s fault. All these years of preparation for nothing. All his work had been for nothing in the end. At least, this felt like the end for him. He had lost his universe with Peter and along with it, any hope for a future.  
………….

Arriving on earth had done little for him. Nothing changed the fact that Peter Parker had died at seventeen. He just stared after the ship had gotten permission to land on his home world. He walked through a haze, unable to figure out or care to find out where he was. His body had moved on autopilot, seeking out a place he could be alone and cradle himself as he wept until he passed out.

He saw fellow Avengers when he arrived. Their grief subsides for a moment as they take him in, as broken as he is. Their relief is eclipsed by the hollowness he feels consume him. They’re all too broken to worry about old arguments and rivalries, they just take him in to the medical wing without preamble. The Avengers ranks had been cut in half and their hope was practically nonexistent, expressions grim. They’ve all lost something. A great deal of them lost everything. More than they can handle without blankly and rerunning every regret they've ever had over in their minds. What they had lost had been too much this time around.  
………….

Rhodey was there. The light in his eyes has dulled significantly since the last time he saw his old college friend but still, Tony thought he had never been more thankful to see his old friend in his entire life. That is until Rhodey had to tell him.

 

The news that Pepper was missing sent his heart down a hole to be crushed again. He’s surprised he hasn’t died himself from all the pain he’s endured. His heart hurts like nothing else he’s felt before. He knows what missing means. And he hates it. He crumbled right there, into the unsteady arms of a mourning friend. Tragedy doesn't begin to describe what has happened.

This war, it's a reminder that no matter how hard Tony fought and prepared, he was nothing compared to the powers that dictated the universe, insistent that he lose again to pay for who he was.

He had chosen to become Iron Man, to become an Avenger, to right his wrongs but it hadn’t been enough. He couldn’t make up all the suffering he caused. He had already lost so much to death and betrayal. Mostly to his own mistaken agendas. Tony couldn’t promise things to those he loved without dropping the ball. He always failed those he loved even when he wanted to do right by them more than anything. He had roped the kid into this life and now he was gone. Tony had let himself get close to another person, only to again not be able to live up to their expectation.

_“I don’t wanna go.”_

_The kid was clinging to Tony pleading for his life, so very scared. Tony was clinging back just as desperately. And then Peter’s feet gave way and Peter fell to the ground._

_“I’m sorry.”_

Tony couldn’t help himself but recall Peter, the closest person he had to a son, had turned to dust beneath his hands. All because Tony had failed and couldn't do his job. Because he hadn't been able to keep anyone safe, not even those he swore to protect. Because of that, now his whole universe was gone. And it was then when Tony realized he would never forgive himself for letting this happen.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: You guys didn’t think I just did fluff did you. Of course not. Angst like this is most of what I think about. I wrote this right after seeing IW I think. That makes sense because I needed to get all my emotions onto paper (or on document?). I will be getting back to my time travel story ‘Is it Better to be Left Behind?’ soon, just work is super exhausting and also I’m visiting my brother this week so I kinda have to focus on that. I’m sorry for that cliffhanger though.


End file.
